by Lynx M’Chea
Same Time, Last Year…
Tossing my head back in the wind, I take in the ecstasy of being neither here nor there. As the wind takes me to that place of being here, everywhere, and anywhere in between; I see that which goes unseen, I see me.
Not talking. Just black bodies under golden lights. I think I found religion.
What
Is
Sin?
When bodies take body and embody life.
Fingers on lips. Tounge on Hand. Neck Roll Back. Tears Fall Down. Lick Them off. Lye Back On. Breathe Deep In. Part Lips Breathe. Parted Lips Plead. Raise Clit. Take all of me in. Tounge Out. Moan Now. Love Down. Ride Down.
There’s me on her face. Her hands are the base. Now Ride the Beat. Rough and Sweet. Perfect In Heat. Bass Drop. Take her all in. Ride the Beat. Here we go again.
Never closing our eyes, heaven looked down and sighed. We never made it inside the building. In that moment feeling was believing. Everything we felt was real. Until I turned around, the moment was over; the feeling gone. Love ran across the courtyard barefoot and strong. She is always on the run. I never stop to wonder what, or who, she was running from.
Leaves rustle. Thud. What just hit the ground? Leaves rustle.
“Who’s there?” I shout to the dark, hoping to intimidate my fears. I step closer and closer, slowly parting the leaves. It’s just a squirrel climbing up a tree. Laughing to myself I think, Damn I smoke too much weed. Shit’s got me on ten for no reason. After finding my clothes, I walk back to my apartment. I’m trying to resist the urge to call her. So I send a text asking if she made it back okay.
Finally in bed, divinely exhausted, I look to the ceiling and wonder what she’s thinking. Hell, what am I thinking? The games we play and the things we say are never quite the same when morning comes. The shadows of the night are all we have to left love.
When she calls, why don’t I run? Why must I come? Oh God, tears refusing to come, what have I done?
I wake up the next morning, content. Turning on my phone, why I have one I don’t know. The only people who have my number are Laj and my family, but today it hasn’t stopped buzzing. Question of interest? Who’s that other girl in the video? Do you do threeways? Can I get next? I always knew you were a dyke. Do you know what you’ve done?!
“Stop yelling at me dammit!” I shout as Lux and Laj barge into my spot. “I don’t know what the fuck y’all are talking about? What video?” They both get quiet and turn to stare at me in shock
“Aw shit Lo,” Lux says to me in a calm and controlled voice as he motions for me to sit down “Damn uh…..shit Lo. Why you ain’t tell us?”
“Tell you what?” I say looking between Lux and Laj incredulously “I don’t know why y’all are here or what the fuck y’all are talking about? Been talking non stop and I still don’t know what’s going on.”
Turning to Laj I ask “This is the last time imma say this: What’s wrong?”
“There’s this video of you. Its Everywhere. Like, bruh! I mean everybody and they mama done seen this shit!”
“Seen what?” I say one second away from punching the both of them. Lux hands me his phone. The video starts playing and I see a girl, butt ass naked, and me taking off my clothes. I don’t need to see the rest. It’s a video of me and Simone from last night. Unconsciously I drop Lux’s phone on the floor, staring in shock.
“Lo. LO!” Lux is shouting. I blink, realizing I’m on the floor, I see Laj pacing back and forth with his hands on his head. Lux helps me up.
“FUCK!” I yell, pushing them out of the way, I run into my bedroom and scramble to find my phone. “Fuck fuck shit fuck! I gotta call her.”
“Her who?” Laj asks while handing me my phone.
Straight to voicemail. “Dammit!” I say while grabbing my coat and shoes.
“Her who!” Laj and Lux ask in unison.
Without stopping I say “I can’t tell y’all that.” Suddenly Lux is standing in between me and the door.
“Tell us what’s going on” I lean against the wall after failing to move Lux out of the way.
“I don’t know what to say. It just happened.”
“Some shit like this,” Laj says shoving the video in my face “don’t “just happen” Lo!”.
“What you want me to say Laj!” I say in defeat
“Why you ain tell us you were gay?” Laj says nervously
“I couldn’t tell you something I wasn’t ready to tell myself.” I say looking at my shoes. “And I’m not gay, that word just don’t fit me.”
“What you mean “gay don’t fit you”? Lux asks with a look of confusion
“I mean I’m not attracted to men, but “gay” just don’t seem right.” I say, wishing for that closet I had been living in. “The way some people feel, the way I feel, can’t be described. It’s something you have to live to get.”
“Damn Lo,” Lux says in a sad tone of voice, “we talk about everything. Everything. But you ain’t tell us ‘bout this.”
“Word.” Laj says facing the wall.
“C’mon now, y’all know it’s not even like that. How am I supposed to say something before I’m ready to?” I say rising to my feet and walking over to Lux and Laj “Besides, it ain’t I wasn’t going to tell you eventually. I just…I wanted to do it in my own time. I need y’all to know that’s real.” A heavy silence fills my small apartment. It seems like forever and a day went by before anyone spoke.
“What’s the plan” Lux says while stepping toward me.
“Huh?” I say with a confused look on my face.
“You can’t not have a plan. Everybody on campus done seen this by now and the shit’s gonna get real once you step outside that door. You know that right?” Lux says while pacing back and forth
“We got you no matter what tho.” Laj says finally facing me. This what it feels like to be loved. What it should feel like at least. Lux and Laj both reach to touch my shoulder, looking at me as if to say they know.
“I can’t change what’s happened and I’m not about to say I regret what we did. I allowed myself to feel for the first time. No matter what people try to make it into….what happened between us was honest and beautiful.”
“I wonder who leaked that shit.” Lux asks, staring off into nothing.
“I don’t know, but I got some shit to take care of. I’ll be back” I say while leaving my place. Once I’m out of my apartment complex I feel someone pull me around a corner. My hand already on my knife, I look down to see who the person who pulled me was. It is none other than…
“How the fuck could you do this to me.” She says, hair and clothes disheveled as she looks around for bystanders
“How the fuck could you think I’d do some shit like this!” I say with worry in my eyes
“Who else could it have been, huh!”
“We were outside, someone could’ve been walking by and seen us.”
“My entire fucking life is over. Dammit!” She yells while punching the wall. I grab her hands and pull her towards me, trying to calm her down
“Look at me” I say in a calm soothing voice “Just breathe, alright? The only person you can see on that video is me. No one knows who the other girl is, okay?”
“Yea yea, you’re right! You’re right!” Simone says looking at me with a glimmer of hope. In her relief, she drops her phone. When I reach down to pick it up and look up, she is gone. Laughing to myself I think, my love is always on the run I just wish I knew what she was running from.
Present Day, That Evening
Laj had an exam, so he left to go cram. After leaving the Dead Zone, I made a few runs then went home. As I toss my keys on the coffee table, I take in the very familiar smell of lavender oil. “What are you doing here?” I say looking into the dark. The lights turn on, revealing Simone lounging on my couch.
“Oh,” Simone says with a smirk “so you don’t wanna see me or sumthin? Still mad about today huh?”
“Tell me what you want and get the fuck out.” I say avoiding her gaze
“Always polite huh Lo?” Simone says while removing my jacket “You haven’t changed. Damn your smart ass mouth still turns me on.” I can feel her mouth on the back of my neck as her hands run over my breasts. Damn this feels good, I think while arching my back.
“Don’t do this” I say in a quiet controlled voice “You don’t get to do this.” As I push away from Simone I blink and realize I am in bed. It was just a dream, just a dream. A fucking nightmare actually.
“You alright love?”Nella says in a tired voice as she pulls me to her side of the bed. I look into the eyes of this beautiful naked woman and think, Nah, I’m far from alright.
“I’m good” I say, forcing a smile on my face “just go back to sleep, okay?” I wrap my arms around Nella, fearing for the shadows morning will bring.
